On sincerity

It's so important to say what you mean, and mean what you say. I mean that. Know what I'm sayin?

Terrible wordplay aside, the theme of this week's blog is communication, specifically "authentic communication" or sincerity. 

Sometimes we tell little "fibs" to people in order to [shudder] get something from them, or to appease them, or because we think it's the nice thing to do. And often it is the nice thing to do... at the time. The trouble with lies, no matter how big or small they are, is that they always come back to haunt you.

When I began teaching magic I really wanted my first student to be successful. And for the most part she was able to perform all of the techniques I taught her. In fact, there was really only one technique with which she was having a difficult time. So as not to expose magical jargon, I'll call the technique "the move". 

"The move" was a playing card manipulation, that, done well, created a real moment of magic. However, if it is executed poorly then EVERYONE who happens to be watching can see it, and the secret to the magic is exposed. 

My student at the time just couldn't get "the move" down. She spent hours and hours practicing, and seemed to be making little headway. I began to think of myself as a terrible teacher.

One day, she performed "the move" for me, and asked if I thought she was ready to perform it for members of the general public. 

"Are you KIDDING?!" I thought. "You couldn't perform that technique for gorillas! If you go out and start doing that move in front of people you won't be creating magic, but ruining it ever so gradually!"

My thoughts were perhaps a little extreme, but I think you get the point. Anyway, what I said was, "sure. Good luck, and let me know how you do."

I'm not sure how many times she got caught trying to perform it, but she was embarrassed enough that after a week she called me and told me she was done with magic. There was nothing I could do to change her mind.

I wonder if I had said what I meant when she asked me about performing, if I could have been honest with her, she might still be a student of mine. 

So, why did I lie? 

Well, I thought it would hurt her feelings to let her know that all of her hard work was getting her no where. And it probably would have. And it might also have saved her from having her feelings hurt repeatedly in public performances.

I was just trying to be nice (and seem like a good teacher, of course). 

There are two main points I've learned from this experience. 

1. Say what you mean and mean what you say. "Niceness" is overrated. This doesn't mean you have to be unkind. You can still be honest while being gentle.

2. I need to be sure to invite, and embrace honest feedback as often as possible. Let people know that I'm willing to learn, and I've set my ego aside. This way, there will be less pressure to lie to me, should someone feel they needed to protect my feelings.

Honest communication is for the better. 

Have a look at this video, though slightly unrelated, which demonstrates honest communication in a different way, even without a set "language". I wonder if gorillas are capable of deceit.

brandon@studentofwonder.com